Beauty is in the eye of those who need glasses

Any woman who believes that beauty requires pain has never experienced the joy of just staying ugly. A few days ago, in an effort to keep up with the times in which we now live, I decided I should stop using regular razors and just go buy one of those new and improved techno-razors that everyone has been using forever. (Everyone except me, that is.) So, armed with the sharpest razor in the world, a can of tropical flavored shave gel and a guarantee that I would get the closest shave possible (according to the manufacturer) , I went into the bathroom and shaved my legs. Now, the promise that was made to me when I purchased this particular razor was that I would get the "closest" shave any razor has ever given to womankind, which is of course true, if your desire is to remove all the skin from your legs and yet still retain a fine layer of stubble. This razor did everything it promised; it shaved my legs and came very "close" to removing the hair also. But to make matters worse, I decided to be stupid and (thinking it would hide all the damage caused by the new razor) sprayed fake tan all over my legs which stung so bad it caused me to invent several new swear words that no one has ever heard before.
What is it with body hair that makes it attractive or unattractive? Leg hair is considered unattractive on women but not on men who, if they were to shave their legs, would be considered gay. Facial hair is like this also, women can't grow full beards and get away with it. Most people consider this ugly. Men who are capable of growing full beards are accepted among society as normal people and mostly not ugly unless they were ugly before they grew the beard, in which case facial hair doesn't really help.
My sister(who is married to the Secret Service as you will recall from a previous post) happens to think the Secret Service is more attractive (not that he wasn't before) with a beard. Apparently when the Secret Service grows a beard, he loses his boyish good looks and is instantly upgraded to "Hot". Put him in his classic black suit and tie, put a wire in his ear and throw on the government issued sunglasses and allegedly my sister melts like butter on a warm skillet.
Of course, all good things can become bad if they are overdone. ZZ-top's beards are not attractive unless you consider ZZ-top attractive, which I don't. Although, my Mother-in-law always maintained that there is a lid for every pot and this must be true as I have never known ZZ-top to have produced a music video that didn't feature women with long (neatly shaven) legs who seem to find those bearded dudes attractive. And, according to their song titled "Legs", ZZ-top ( ugly or not) suggest that they like women who have legs and know how to use them. This could only mean that people like me who shave with an ice pick still have a few things to learn about the proper care and function of legs.
The same idea that there is a lid for every pot holds especially true in cases like Abraham Boxwood (not his real name) , a man we were once acquainted with through business who had the biggest case of buck teeth I ever saw. One guy in the office mentioned that Abraham could've eaten corn through a fence with those teeth. They should have had their own zip code. His teeth would often arrive at business meetings five or ten minutes before Abraham and even begin taking notes for him. Abraham had a wife that we never had the opportunity to meet, but she must have found something about the poor guy attractive, though I'm not sure what it was. None the less, the saying "There's a lid for every pot" seems to hold true. A comforting thought to anyone out there who feels like a lid-less pot, or a pot-less lid for that matter. But there is another saying that I find to be the most comforting of all: Beauty is in the eye of those who need glasses.