The grass is always greener over the Toilet tank

The next lesson for today comes from my Uncle, a very dignified man. Polished, handsome and well educated, he recently retired from his position as an economics professor at a prominent University. Think of him in an Indiana Jones sort of way. His first love has always been geology. He loves rocks. But, like Professor Jones, he chose to pursue a career in teaching rather than travel the globe in pursuit of rocky adventures. But also like Indiana, adventure seemed to find him.
Now, I'm not sure my Uncle would want his reputation as a competent professional to be ruffled by using his real name. He does in fact have many associations with other highly regarded individuals. So, out of respect for my Uncle, I will call him "Nancy".
 Nancy was traveling some years ago, along with his wife and my parents, to a family reunion. Seeing as they had been in the car for some time, they decided it was time to stop at a gas station. After gassing up and such, they thought it best to take advantage of the restrooms while the opportunity was there. After a few minutes, everyone returned to the car except for Nancy. They waited and waited for him, and after a while thought that maybe somebody should go in and find him to see if he was alright. Just as they were about to do that, Nancy returned to the car. He was red in the face and refused to give any explanation as to what took him so long. They traveled on and some hours later, arrived at a relatives home for the reunion. Later that night after some prodding, Nancy finally divulged his restroom secrets.
He told the others that he had gone into a stall and locked the door. When he was ready to leave, he tried the stall door, but it wouldn't open. Making sure it was unlocked, he tried again and again to open the door but to no avail. He finally looked over his options. He called for help but the room was empty. Then he thought to crawl under the door but for some reason decided against it. After all his failed attempts to free himself from his toilet prison, he finally decided that he had no choice but to climb over the stall. He stood up on the toilet, got his footing on the toilet paper holder and threw a leg over the stall door as one would if he were about to mount a saddle, only not quite making it. With one leg over the top of the door and both hands clasped tightly to it, the weight of his body caused the door to swing open, just as another guy walked into the bathroom. He'd been trying to open the door the wrong way but didn't realize that until he was ontop of the door, riding it like a horse while some guy stood there and watched.
Uh hu. True story.

Never close your eyes while on a treadmill

There is a particularly important tip that I will give you today: Never close your eyes while still on a treadmill. It is by sad experience that I learned this embarrassing lesson. You see, one fine day while at the gym, I was running on the treadmill. Anyone who has actually done this knows that after running at a good clip for awhile, you begin to sweat and may become tired. This was the case for me that day. I had been running for about thirty minutes and I still had five or so minutes left on the clock. The timer was ticking away more and more slowly it seemed. I tried to distract myself by watching the guy next to me who had come into the gym and gotten on a treadmill wearing what looked like lederhosen (those short German overalls with the suspenders), a big straw hat, hiking boots and a walking stick. He must have been about forty years old, but he had a wiry gray ZZ top-ish beard that didn't end until it reached his navel. Quite honestly, he looked like the roaming Gnome.
Now, as grateful as I am in cases like this for such a distraction, the traveling Gnome didn't keep my attention for very long. Images of the Gnome's life had flashed through my head rather quickly (he had a wife and two children, they lived in a tree somewhere, or maybe in a van down by the river, they ate porridge that could be left in a pot for up to nine days, they scheduled exactly what time they would eat their cheese, their only toiletries consisted of a shovel and some really big leaves, etc.) but the images were gone as soon as my body decided it could just not go any longer. With only two minutes left on the timer, I was determined to go the length. I mean, what if this were not just a run on a treadmill but a run for my life? What if I were being chased by aliens or a man with a bloody machete? Would I not run the two minute distance to safety? Yes, we all would. So in a final exhausted effort to finish the race, I decided not to look at the clock and focus on the time, but rather, close my eyes. I don't know. I just don't know why I did that because as soon as I did it I regretted the decision. My head got instantly dizzy and the earth began to spin. I stumbled backwards and realized I was about to either go down or hit the wall behind me with incredible force, so I threw my arms out to catch myself- screaming "Mommy!" out loud- and in one totally ungraceful movement, attempted to jump up on the sideboards and grab the handles. I got one foot secured okay but the other one was dragged behind me a bit and it took all my strength to lift it up and slap it on the side board to safety as it twisted and flipped and nearly kicked me in the butt. finally secure, I found myself straddled in a somewhat squatted position over the belt of the treadmill that continued to whir along beneath me while I white-knuckled the handles. I looked like an idiot of course, but trying to maintain some form of dignity I smiled like a geek at the roaming Gnome who was looking at me as if I were the weirdo of the day. None the less I stayed there like that just smiling at him for a while, then eventually I turned off the treadmill, waited for it to completely stop, gathered my things and whistled my way out of the building.
There are many important lessons to be learned from this. First, it's important that we exercise caution whenever we close our eyes while in motion, and second; whenever you see someone you think is really weird, chances are they are thinking the same thing about you.