My teenage girls are mostly nocturnal creatures and therefore have the idea that if they are awake, I should be willing to be awake also, in order to cater to their every question or need, no matter how ridiculous. According to them, I don't need sleep or food. Throw my husband, our ten year old son and six year old daughter in the mix, and we have ourselves a family full of people who think I am a robot.
A typical summer night at our house goes something like this: sleep on the roof for all I care, but I'm going to bed. The end. After years of wrangling kids into bed at a certain time and place, I have mostly given up. The teenagers will have none of that and as a result, the six and ten year old don't ever want to go to bed either. I still insist on getting the youngest into pajamas and such, but what comes next depends entirely upon how tired I am. If I am really tired and the youngest puts up a fuss, she'll have to fall asleep on the couch and the mother has to wake up an hour or so later and carry her to bed.
The hidden joy of this interruption of my sleep is that it 's not the only interruption. I will attempt to demonstrate this:
I am so tired my eyes have fused together and I can no longer see, so I go to bed, leaving the six year old on the couch with a blanket and a movie, and the basement full of teenagers and their friends. (Mind you, it is the middle of the summer so I am much more lax about all this than I would be otherwise.) Around midnight I wake up to the noise of the t.v. and get up to turn it off and carry the little daughter to bed. The basement is quiet so I assume everyone went home. I get back in bed and fall into a deep, deep sleep. Around 1 a.m. , I am awakened by a harsh whisper; "mmmohhhmm?"
I open my eye. (Remember, my eyes have fused together so I only have one weird eye, and it's blurry.) "who are you?" I ask, startled.
"It's me" says daughter #3 (there are four of these daughters).
"take off the mask" I tell her
"what mask?" she asks
"That Lion mask" I say, grabbing and pulling at her face.
"mmmohhhmmm!" she tries to whisper, " I'm not wearing a mask!"
"Oh. What do you need?"
"I'm bored"
"What!? Your bored?"
"No, I mean, I'm not tired. I can't sleep."
"You woke me up to tell me that?"
"Wull, what should I do?"
"Well, I could knock you out cold, how's that idea?"
"Uh!... Just never mind then. Geez." and with that she leaves the room.
Thirty minutes later, a finger pokes at me. "Mom" Daughter #2 whispers
"Uugh." I reply
"I'm home"
"So what. I didn't know you were gone." I go back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later Doug wakes me up, "Honey...Steph..."
"phwhaat." half my face is buried in the pillow.
"It smells like dog poop. Has the dog been in here?"
"Maybe it's your breath blowing back in your face." I tell him, and turn over.
Some time later, around 4:30 a.m., daughter #1 is standing over me like an apparition. It scares the living snot out of me. "What the blast are you doing?!!" I scold.
"There's a huge spider on the stairs!"
"So kill it!"
"Mom! No, I'm scared!"
"Oh for pete's sake!" (My mom always used to say that, too.) I throw the covers off and storm out into the hall. D-1 follows me to the stairs, explaining the gigantic nature of the beast I'm supposed to kill on her behalf. It's eye's had fangs, it's legs had fangs, it's fangs had fangs. "If it's so big," I say, not seeing it, "then where is it?"
"It was just here!"
"well It must have decided to wait for you in your bed."
"That's not funny!"
"I thought it was funny."
"You want your daughter to be eaten by a spider named Sasquatch?
"Yes."
"What?! Mom!"
"Maybe then I'd get some sleep."
"Mom, kill the spider!"
"There is no stinking spider!"
"It was right here! It's just hiding"
"Then move out. The spider can't hurt you if you live far far away."
"You are being so rude to me!"
"You are twenty-one years old! What will you do when your forty, call me to come over and kill all your spiders at all hours of the night?"
"yes."
"I'm going to bed."
"Mom! No! Please don't leave me here alone with sasquatch!"
"Sleep on the roof." I tell her. I make it back to bed before sunrise and snuggle up under the soft down comforter. Ohhh, to be in my own bed. I love my bed. My aching muscles kiss the fluffy matress, my weary head sinks into the pillow. I'm home. I close my eyes, bliss. The only sound in the house is the soft hum of the air conditioner and the obnoxious "Ehh.Ehh.Ehh" of Doug's cell phone alarm...( For more information about cell phone alarms, please refer to my last post.)
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